[update]
This is not based on anything in reality. This is kinda a subconscious picture. It is simply based on my own opinion of myself... How I feel I am messing things up... Lashing out and then experiencing the consequences.
I'm not helping myself. For a long time I thought of myself as my own worst enemy. And for a long time that was fine... I only had shadows and toys to fight with... but it is different when real people are involved. When said people once encouraged and respected me.
I don't know what anyone thinks or expects from me anymore.
I guess reading too many superhero comic books has warped my definition of helping people. There is no big bad super-villain in the lives of us little people. Not everyone needs to be protected either.
